yard sale happenings

I said I would never have a yard sale again. That was several years and many yard sales ago. Yet somehow I always end up being sucked into having some sort of involvement in the family yard sales. I never plan one myself, but I'm pretty good at collecting and storing prime yard sale merchandise in my house. So I give myself no choice but to participate in some way.

October brings with it the inevitability of at least one of our moms getting the yard sale itch. Well, what do you know...both of them got it. My mom's was today. If there's one thing about my mom, she knows how to do a yard sale right. She plans at least a month ahead, sets aside certain days for gutting closets and cabinets, has her little box of organized price stickers and pens, and sorts and prices stuff the week prior. A few weeks ago I told her I wanted to sell some of my junk but I didn't want to have to be there for the sale. She understood. We both know I worked retail way too long to be of any constructive assistance at a yard sale. My brain naturally wants to artfully display items, use prices ending in .99, and offer shopping baskets to customers. And there is absolutely no brain cell whatsoever existing in my little head which will allow me to take part in haggling. You know, like bargaining with someone on a price. I can't even do it when I'm on the buying end! I've actually paid more than the stickered price at yard sales before because I knew it was worth more and thought it had been mispriced. I know, I'm an idiot. I think they were charity sales though. But still.

I know it's just an unwritten rule with yard sales about bargaining, but people get ridiculous with it and it irks me to an upsetting tizzy. While most will feel satisfaction after talking someone down on a price, I on the other hand enjoy stumbling on what I call an "already-bargain."

So over the past few weeks as I priced my quality junk, I had to keep in mind the typical yard sale shopper with their change purse full of quarters, snooty comments and insulting offers. I don't like these people. When yard saling, I myself happen to be nothing like those unfriendly old scrooges. I follow the rules and I'm respectful. I love finding treasure in other's trash. That thrill of discovering the perfect little one-of-a-kind pre-loved item costing me pennies on the dollar is a sensation like none other. And knowing I paid the asking price and still got it for a bargain is in some way so rewarding. Like finding a stray nose hair before someone points it out.

So this time I priced stuff to sell. Cheap. I didn't want mom having to deal with annoying hagglers and I wanted shoppers to find themselves an already-bargain in my valuable rubbish. Plus, the goal is to get rid of it and not have any left over to save and store for the next yard sale, right? I mean, who does that anyway? Probably never me. Ever.

I surprised my mom and sister this morning by showing up at 8am. Josh was looking forward to some one-on-one Cami time so I took advantage of the free mommy time and decided to get over myself and help out with the sale. I told them I was there to help but didn't want to deal with people and their attitudes. Mom is much better at that. If she doesn't want to go down on a price she'll just shake her head and say, “Eh, not this early” or “I really think it's worth the price.” I, on the other hand, grit my teeth and give in to their low-ball offers out of fear of being mean. Imagine that, me afraid of being mean. But I then carry with me a severely negative attitude towards future yard sale customers.

I don't know how it happened but today I wasn't able to hide on Mom's porch swing for the entire sale and I became involved beyond my retail abilities. I almost lost it on a few people.
And it's not just the stingy haggling part of it that I'm incapable of managing properly. It's the...(how do I say this delicately?) pure stupidity and genuine ignorance I have a difficult time tolerating.

Actual yard sale happening #1:

item: large bag of sea shells personally found by me - $1.00
shopper: old crabby lady in white hat - “Will you take fifty cents for that?” pointing in a general direction toward a table full of 20 different items
me: “For what? ... (Oh, the beautiful shells I spent hours on the beach collecting?) Sure.” - gritting teeth
crabby lady: handing me three one-dollar bills - “Alright I'll get both bags, one was a quarter and you said you'd give me the other for fifty cents so you owe me $1.25, unless you want to give them both to me for a dollar...”
me: confused but doing some quick second grade math in my head - “Umm, oookay...so are you buying anything else?” - giving her an out and trying not to embarrass her
lady: taking back one of the dollar bills - “Here, just give me seventy-five cents then.”
me: holding two dollars for a seventy-five cent sale, still confused, but really wanting to punish her stupidity at this point
lady: taking back one more dollar and finally recalling math class from 72 years ago - “You owe me a quarter now.”
me: “Thank you, now get out of my store.”

And since that last comment only happened in my head, it wasn't over...

She proceeded to ask my mom if she'd “take four dollars or maybe three dollars” for a nice set of framed pictures priced at $5.00. Mom simply reminded her they were priced at five. So she put the pictures back and two minutes later, walked up to Mom and, looking in the opposite direction and not saying a word, handed her five dollars. Then she offered my sister a quarter for her unused wedding planner she'd priced for fifty cents. REALLY?!?! You found something worth a quarter to you but you wouldn't dare pay two quarters for it?! REALLY?!?! And you have the audacity to ask for 50% off a $20 item priced at fifty cents?! I wanted so bad to walk up to her and hand her fifty cents and tell her I was paying her to take the book because she obviously needed it and the money. She left before I had a chance.
This my friends was an ignorant/snotty combo mixed with a bit of unashamed stupidity. And might I add, most likely highly medicated.

Happening #2:

item: compact size microwave that warms things slowly - $3.00
shopper: large tapestry cat purse carrying woman asking if it works
me: explaining that it heats things slower than most microwaves
cat purse woman: looking confused
me: explaining in another way using simple examples
cat purse woman: obviously debating on whether to risk $3.00 on something that may not work properly - “Will you take two for it?” - because that's the going price for items at high-risk
me: getting the okay from Mom - “Of course!" Why wouldn't we?! I think that's what we meant to price it anyway!

Then she struck again.

cat purse woman: “I want to know if you'll take fifty cents for that over there, but I don't know what it is.”
me: did she just say that?
cat purse woman: pointing to a long handled spoon shoe horn (to aid in putting one's shoes on without having to bend down) priced at $1.00
me: overcoming the strong temptation to really have some fun with this one - “Do you know what it is?”
cat purse woman: “Well, no.”
me: brief explanation which did not include a demonstration being that I was wearing flip-flops
cat purse woman: “Oh, so will you take fifty cents for it?”
Mom: with priceless look on her face - “It's well worth a dollar.”
No sale.
This one I categorize as a ridiculous waste of time for everyone involved.

Happening #3:

item: brand new Coke brand checkers set, still in box - $4.00 – one of my already-bargains
shoppers: 2 very frugal old ladies - “Will you take a dollar for this?”
me: hiding on porch swing shooting an are-you-kidding-me look at Mom - “NO!”- do you see a 75% off sign anywhere?!
shoppers: walked away
assessment: ignorant of the value of the Coca-Cola name. Shameful.

Happening #4:

item: various things equaling $7.00
shopper: thrifty middle-aged woman with good taste handing me a five and a one - “All I have is six dollars... is that okay?” - smiling
me: admiring her strategy - “Sure.”
This is a respectful way to bargain and though most likely not entirely honest, it didn't bother me. She used her brain and the smile was a plus.

Happening #5:

Some old hippie (gender debatable) driving junky van, pulls up in the driveway right in front of our tables, turns off engine, sits for about 5 minutes in van never getting out, turns engine back on, backs out and drives away.
Waiting for valet service...??
Writer has no further comment on this happening.

Happening #6:

item: things equalling more cash than customer has on their person
shopper: to my mom, and said with all seriousness - “Do you take Visa?”
Mom: sporting her best fanny pack, holding arms out - “Does it look like I take Visa?!”
shopper: still dead serious - “Well I wasn't sure if you had one of those machines.”
Mom: just holding it in - “Nope, no machine. Sorry.”
me: "I'm clocking out now."